oh hey there.

it s been awhile, hasn t it, LJ? i m sorry i ve been neglecting you. work was kind of crazy for the past two weeks what with the business trip and all the updates & changes made during the big sales meetings. plus, i moved and was without internet for a few days, which resulted in me being super bored and productive (most likely due to the former). but now i m slowly starting to settle in. the new apartment is wonderful, despite the previous entry s ranting about the shower. i ve been working on keeping this place clean and tidy because i can t not due to its size. i find myself hanging clothes, putting things where they belong, instead of my usual habit of just tossing everything into a corner or onto the floor, which was my way at the grand street apartment. my first full night here, i had a guest over and while we had a conversation, i started cleaning and he laughed, marveling at the change in me. i was so happy being able to offer him a glass of water in a clean vessel or just acting like a normal human being. i ve been seeing this dude who is kind of perfect only he doesn t want a relationship. he didn t say that specifically in regards to me, but just in general. OK, i am probably not the most viable option for a long termer right now anyway since i m only just now finding my footing after four years of being a total piece of shit, so that s not a problem. but wow, he s really handsome. and smart. and we just get along really well. bah.not to be cubbyholed, i went out last night for drinks after work with this guy from OKC; we have so much in common that it kind of bugs me. his personality is pretty A+. also, he lives, like, three blocks away. and he got this dreamy, faraway look on his face when describing his cuban roast pork lunch. so…yeah, we ll see how that goes.i went on a spate of really promising job interviews this week; my recruiter called me this afternoon to confirm my rate and availability. so basically, i m waiting for the official offer, which would have been great to receive today but i understand it s friday and people are kind of slow to act. this opportunity might not be the most prestigious of jobs but the people seem really nice and i d be able to learn a lot, and grow with the company if i don t fuck up (hey, stupid: don t fuck up!). so yeah, my fingers are crossed with that. i have an unrelated interview next week with a different company and that might be an OK opportunity as well, though it s in mass market missy wear. but you know what? a job is a job, and i can t afford to be picky after fucking up all the great opportunities lobbed my way in the past.it s really amazing to think about how before, when living at the old place, i just didn t care – like, i d take a shower and not bother shaving my legs or sloughing the dead skin off my heels because i thought, “why does it matter? there is a sadness that trails after you” and now, in the new space, i m putting in an effort. with the exception of the business trip where i wore no make up and baggy tee shirts matched with camo print shorts, i have been trying to just, look like a put together person. it s been ages since someone complimented me on my appearance and this week alone, i ve gotten numerous accolades. it sounds silly, doesn t it? but my mindset was just so dour and mired in despair that i didn t care and now, i do. it s a start. when i first started at OKBG, i would stare longingly at people that walked by me on the street, wanting to be them, wanting to be anyone but me because of my emotional/financial/home situation. now, it s like, i m alright with being me. i was offered a 15% scholarship for the fall semester by my grad school, and that helps to bolster my self-esteem.i m feeling…OK. and i m happy about that. it s a slow, arduous process, and it s scary, but i will do this. it boggles my mind to realize how easily i tramped through life before 245 grand street, but i ll get back to that. i ll be a capable and strong human being soon, and there s nothing better than the little changes that improve your life to make you realize you re on the right path.


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