Venting: Stress

This open text page taunts me…. okay, so perhaps not taunt, but just reminds me of how things used to be. How easy it was to write about life and the world, mankind and curiosity. Movement is so rapid, the life is moving at a rate faster than my desire to appreciate the moment can catch up. Bam, I’m here. "Stop and smell the roses." I try to.The holidays are really fucking hard this year. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. I’m not ready for them. I’m not in the mindset to be. I am excited, don’t get me wrong, and I had a wonderful experience, but it feels so strange to me… is strange the word? I feel my body stiffen as I close myself in. I am quiet. I am in the presence of new people, a largely unfamiliar environment, and it’s just… I don’t know. Maybe it’s a stark reminder that I am not with my family and that I am still trying to recover from this past term.This past term: It has been one of the most trying things ever. It’s not as difficult as, say, being screwed over by room mates (and that whole chunk of time associated with it), but the struggles were in and of themselves, very intense, very continuous, and very trying. The trials…. the trials. It all began with the break up, I guess. That was the start to the school year. Trying to establish my own identity through that and find the link of community that empowers me has been, really, energy consuming both mentally and spiritually. But I just want peace. And quiet. And a soothing atmosphere that harbors healing, love, and closeness to one another. Not this hyped up world I am in now. I love it! I really do, but it’s not what I need all the time. Sailing was originally good for me because it helped me get out of my dorm and into the water. The sport is beautiful and amazing, but it’s not quite what I need. Not now. I need to realize that I don’t have an obligation to the people on the team and that my only true obligation is the requirements of Vice Commodore. They haven’t done shit for me, and nobody really went out of their way to make me feel welcome, minus the closeness to Melody and Johan when I began sailing. And it’s nobody’s fault and I am not harboring resentment, but it is, for a group of college students, a "fend for yourself" type of situation. That’s not what I need in a community. Friendships have formed and I have a periphery, but that’s not what I want and 10 hours a week of practice time… isn’t worth it. In a college world, 10 hours is a huge time chunk.Career wise, I am terrified because I feel like I have to commit the core of my being to education. Is studying abroad really doing to help me? Is it going to be an amazing experience if I spend all of my time locked away studying? Is it worth the expense? What about work through school? If I take out the maximum for loans, like I am now, I still barely get by. I still have to work to pay for books, transportation, a phone and, now, for food. I took food stamps for granted and ate my life away. Now I recognize the terror of cutting my budget down as thin as I can. Work distracts from the priority: Maximum educational focus, with a healthy me. HEALTHY! Is that possible? With my world in chaos, seemingly so often?Fuck, I feel so out of place sometimes. I feel so tense. My muscles are constricted and I focus on going, going, going, doing, but not nearly enough to relax, rejuvenate, refresh.But, holidays. . . I fucking miss my family. Damn it. I feel really hopeless with my dad in the hospital (from MRSA, not his heart condition… which is still kind of scary). I missed my sister’s wedding. . . and time is showing how it operates in terms of growth, both of myself and them. I can’t freeze my childhood, where it all seemed to move so slowly, and expect anything at all to remain the same. Movement is natural, and the resistance to that has been draining. Yet, awareness is alarming because I feel like I’m running out of time, even at 23, and that I have to prioritize at a constant level between family connections, education, and social, mental, and physical health.Why did nobody warn me about this shit growing up? Bugh. (They probably did…)Now that I’m done venting… It’s Christmas! YAY! And I’m excited for it now.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s